Hard and Soft. It's all things in life, hardness and softness...
One of which I am slowly learning. This learning does not come without it's pain, tears and frustrations.
I am learning the soft, the 'Ju'.
For years out of necessity to survive I learned all things through hardness, cold, cutting off. I have learned that this does not help us learn and grow. By freezing others out to 'protect' oneself we ultimately remain as we are, and it's a lonely road as well.
One can not go through life all hard, angry, stiff, closed off/walled up.
I sure tried though. I cut people off, shut them out when they got to close and it ended me up with; less than authentic friendships, abusive relationships and substance use.
Then entered Karate-Do. (this story I'll tell another time)
Recently a crappy situation taught me some very important lessons to further those learnt through my Sensei.
So starts a story of my notorious bad decisions relating to relationships/dating/...
I was, we'll call it 'dating', someone. Oh but this wasn't anyone, it was one of those forbidden 'dating' situations...a colleague, another manger. This colleague had previously had 'relations' with a staff (whom was an acquaintance of mine), but it was over and she had moved on to another whom she planned to move out of province with (I bet we can all see where this story goes...). So this was for many obvious reasons a BAD choice, but none the less...
Well the inevitable happened, she got single. As soon as I found out (via FB) I thought to myself this is going to end badly for myself. Of course it did "We're going to try and make it work", "You're amazing/thoughtful/caring/intelligent..." blah blah blah.
...and then it happened. His amazing moment of drunken truth with said re-girlfriend...and it blew up, oh it blew up. Complete with confronting and rumour spreading...
I made a joke to a good friend about the coal in my chest aching, he promptly responded with some witty comment referring to the fact at least we now knew I hadn't made diamonds yet.
I hurt a lot in fact, my heart was actually a bit crushed along with the ego (though we need to let one die anyways).
Though it hurt, I sort of enjoyed it, mind you not the drama that surrounded it. But the hurt, the fact that I had allowed myself to be vulnerable/soft. I opened up and let someone in. Learning experience definitely, on so many levels (like never date colleagues, oh god never.. hahaha).
I promise this blog will not be GoJu Grrrl the Chronicles of a single Karate Ka. I merely thought that this story highlighted a huge learning piece for myself.
peace & love
